Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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