How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
