hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
false alarm, still single
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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