So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
