omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
