i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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