Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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