get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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