So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
