The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
