dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
