I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Randomize
