I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
