Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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