My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
