Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
