Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
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