I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
