I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Randomize
