I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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