it's too hot outside to masturbate.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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