She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
