either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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