Betty ford says i'm here all night
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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