In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
you win again, gameday.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
