I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
