They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
