yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
