I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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