I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She's the barista slut.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
