You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
