mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
