Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
