I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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