his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
