you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
