im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
