I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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