Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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