life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
