life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Say something about gay babies.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
