My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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