Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you inspire me to be a worse person
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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