i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
