I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize