No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
