I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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