if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
