My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
