too bad you live with your parents still
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
