why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
