Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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