Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
