Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
