Betty ford says i'm here all night
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
