new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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