how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
