He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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