pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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