Duck Duck Cougar?
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
