So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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