Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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